Why I Freaked Out Last Weekfeatured

So, you might have read this title and thought, seriously? Why is she such a drama queen? And while, yes, I am a sort of a drama queen, that is not the point of my story here.

It all started when I was told my house’s plumbing was going to be completely replaced. I went to this stupid meeting where they told me everything would be under control, and none of the contruction would affect my life or affect my house.

The contruction was to go on for a total of five days, and day one was a nightmare. I came home to a complete mess. Day two I came home to some furniture damage. And I don’t even want to talk about day three.

If you know me at all, you know I am a bit OCD when it comes to house. I have never owned a home so now that I do, it has come to represent so much more than just a house to me. It represents my freedom, my independence, my hard word, my dedication, my everything. It is literally my baby.

I knew these workers would not care for my house as much as I do. I knew something would go wrong, and it sure did. I lost it when I saw that people were being wreckless while entering my house. They were filthy and completely disrespectful of my belongings.

I had a meltdown and voiced my concerns to the person in charge of all of  this horrible contruction. He looked at me and it almost looked like he just wanted to give me a hug. I was complaining about some paint chipping, I mean really?

Mid-meltdown I realized how silly I sounded. They say pick and choose your battles, right? This wasn’t even a “battle” and here I was crying that some workers were not “respecting” my space.

I took a deep breath and realized this was never about the “damage.” This was never about the humble workers doing their jobs. This was about me. This was about losing control over the one thing I can always count on to stay the same, my house.

I live alone so my house is my safe place, the place I have made all my own. No one touches anything or moves anything ever without my permission (good luck ever having kids, Karen). I notice every little thing and do my best to improve it everyday.

Once I realized I was being petty, I changed my attitude altogether.

When did I forget to be thankful? How could I have lost myself in such insignificant details?

Just a few years ago, I was living in a box in Santa Ana just trying to get by, and now I own a condo that is so much more than I could have ever imagined.

Material things are really not that special. My family is special when they are able to come visit and make my house a home. My significant other is special because he helped me remodel it with love and make it what I wanted it to be. I am special because I am finally working at my dream job.

Life is general is so amazing that a little construction cannot and will not be the death of me. It was so ridiculous of me to lose sight of what mattered for a moment.

I got lost in the details because in that moment in time I was stressed out and felt scattered in my professional life. I made up for it by obsessesing over little inconsequential things. I usually find my peace when I am organized and feel some sense of order, but the moment when strangers were in and out of my house I completely lost it.

I lost it because things were a bit out of my control. And you know what? I am smart enough to know that you can never have full control over anything. Things will always be changing. Material things will lose their glory. Control is really just an idealistic concept. We are all part of the patchwork of this Universe and sometimes we just have to relax and trust in the process.

So, my freak-out moment turned out to be a learning lesson for me. Although I have learned to adapt in some areas in my life, I still need to work on others. I want to welcome more people into my home and allow them to enjoy the space rather than focus on what is getting dirty or what is now out-of-place. This year, I will invite others over and remember that control is not the goal, it is merely a source of anxiety taking a specific (and OCD) form.

My peace will always live in my mind, heart, and soul, not in the things that I own or borrow in this life.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

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