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The “P” in HOPE at the Out of Darkness Walk Hope Wall Yesterday in Orange County, CA

Studies show that suicide is often a result of mental illness gone undiagnosed. But that is just a stat, something to help us make sense of the pain. I lost a close friend to suicide. No, there were never any signs. No, he was never diagnosed that I know of. And no, none of our heartfelt conversations could save him.

He had everything going for him. He had just learned he would soon receive his Master’s diploma and would be working for a high-profile agency he had always dreamed of. He was my greatest role model, the guy that inspired me to get my Master’s as well.

I remember his words of encouragement always, he would tell he was no more brilliant than I was and gave a solid roadmap during our conversations. With his words, I felt strong and capable and moved forward in following my dreams.

There was never a moment he wasn’t smiling. He was the type of guy that lit up a room and made everyone feel like they had been his closest friend for years. He was nurturing and always put others first.

I remember picking him up one night and him sensing I was in a volatile relationship. He didn’t say a word at that moment but he gave me a look I would never forget. A look that said: “I am here for you, you deserve better.”

He never went further than that regarding that subject.

He respected all boundaries and the human condition as a whole. He never preached, but when he spoke, you listened…

I remember him telling me about the love of his life. His eyes lit up like Christmas. It gave me hope that he would get his happily ever after. He sure did deserve it. I mean, he had all shit together. He was the most composed person I had ever met.

I admired everything about him, even the way he drank. He would drink and party with us through the dark hours of the night but he was always in control, always made sure we were all safe and that we didn’t make any decisions we would regret. It’s safe to say he was our guardian angel.

We all graduated and I saw him one more time that summer. He came to pick up one of his belongings on his way back home, which was out of state. It was a random meeting but I guess it made sense. For some reason, I didn’t say goodbye. I thought I would see him soon.

Then I got the call. He had taken his life. I was in a dressing room and dropped all the worthless clothes on the ground. I kept asking, “ARE YOU SURE?!” This was my brightest friend, this was a man I learned to love like family. He lived life by standards I could have only dreamed of yet he was somewhere, lifeless.

All those dreams died. All those words of encouragement seemed empty at that moment. If life wasn’t enough for him, why would it ever be enough for me? I can’t explain what I felt.

I wanted to rewind that last uneventful meeting. I wanted to invite him in, ask him how he was. I wanted to give him a hug and thank him for impacting my life.

I left the store and didn’t buy a thing. Things were meaningless. I was mad at him at first. I couldn’t comprehend how he could just leave us without saying goodbye. He was so strong and secure in his skin, in the future that awaited him.

I realized he must have had mental illness. I realized he might have had a moment where it was all too much and he simply couldn’t come back to us. I wish he could have called one of those closest to him. I wish his life was as special to him as it was to us.

I relistened to an interview I had recorded regarding his hopes and dreams for the college newspaper. He sounded so sure he had a whole lifetime ahead of him. But he wasn’t. I had missed all the signs because there were none.

I went on and did what I had promised him I would. I got my Master’s Degree. I found a job in my field just as he had. He has been my greatest inspiration and continues to be. He had a light he didn’t even know he had and I hope he can hear us as we all remember what an amazing soul he was.

I wish I could have told you you had so many more lives to impact. I wish I could have given you a roadmap for continuing your life. I wish a lot for you but I know you must finally be at peace, free of what you were battling on this physical earth.

I walked with others impacted by suicide yesterday at the Out of Darkness Walk. Their children, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, dads, moms, grandmothers, grandfathers, best friends. Mental illness knows no age, gender, ethnicity. I saw their photos and I couldn’t but tear up because of all the life they had in front of them. The memories that were never created with all of these loved ones marching next to me with hopes of preventing pain like theirs from impacting others. Join Me in Supporting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention by clicking here. Their bold goal is to fight suicide and reduce the suicide rate by 20% by 2025. All donations are 100% tax-deductible and fund research, education, advocacy, and support for all those affected by suicide.

To others reading this, please know that you are never alone. Your life matters. You are loved. Confidential 24/7 help is available to you for free by contacting the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

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