I Crossed Paths with Cancer Today and This is What It Felt Likefeatured

Just another Thursday, right? I kept telling myself this as I got ready to go to the Cancer center.

When I am anxious about doing something I tend to put on more makeup than usual. I can’t really explain the thought behind it other than a ritual that I usually love becomes a tumultuous battle with the person I see staring back at me in the mirror. The eyebrows get darker and more villainous looking, the concealer – thick enough to hide the person living underneath it.

My wobbly fingers googled: “what is the best outfit to wear to a Cancer ultrasound?” Let me be clear, no one told me I had cancer when I typed this, it was just where my brain went.

Earlier this year, I had routine blood work done. After almost 2 years of eating the healthiest I ever have (no fad diet, just traditional cooking) and losing around 40 lbs, I was sure the blood work would be more amazing than ever.

Silly, silly girl.

Blood results showed elevated levels of something I cannot even pronounce. It sounded like a word someone made up by combining the names of their gardener and their plumber.

And so it was.

We re-ran the blood work a week later, come to find out – nothing had changed for the better or the worse. Lovely. Having someone stick a needle in your arm becomes far less exhilarating when you have to do twice in the same month.

The doctor then ordered an ultrasound of my most vital organs and requested that I stop consulting Google and stop drinking all alcohol until further notice. I don’t drink much but suddenly I felt like an alcoholic craving that sexy little mescal drink at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I finally put down the makeup on this Thursday and drove myself to the Cancer center. As I drove, every traffic light seemed more annoyingly long than usual. I pulled up and realized parking was not free; seems like adding insult to injury.

I took a deep breath.

Suddenly, I felt like I needed my mom to be there with me holding my hand and telling me it would all be okay. I wanted to scream, possibly even drive my car into the money machine that would eventually demand me to pay for parking. I opted for neither.

I walked into the center and the girl at the front desk asked me what I was there for. An ultrasound… [to see if I have Cancer, of course]. She directed me to the 2nd floor.

I walked in and checked in with the friendly British woman at the front desk. “$25 please,” she said.

Seriously? I have to pay to find out if I have Cancer? Can’t you just bill me later?

The waiting room was eerily empty except for one older man who looked lonely.

A woman called my name and took me to a dimly lit ultrasound room. She directed me to lay down and slightly adjust my clothing for the procedure. “Wooohoo! I don’t have to wear a hospital gown!” I said. She looked at me with confused eyes. I guess there’s not much to be excited about around here.

She then did the whole ultrasound thing. I tried to glimpse at the monitor behind me, she kept marking things and telling me to hold my breath. “Green markers on ultrasound,” something to ask Google about later.

10 minutes later I was out of the scary room and proceeded to my car. I got lost in the emergency stairway of course.

Eventually, I made it to my car. It was time to finally feel.

I cried as hard as I wanted. Tears of not knowing. Tears of fear. Tears of what could be. My mom is a breast Cancer survivor. I have crossed paths with Cancer before.

I called my mom. She started crying with me. A few minutes went by and I saw the dreaded “My Chart” notification come through my phone alerting me that the ultrasound results were available to view. I read the report. I read it a few times more.

Every organ appeared to be “grossly” normal. The ultrasound as a whole was “unremarkable.”

Mom and I cried some more. This time, tears of relief.

And so I sit here right now, writing to you… on the verge tears knowing that my health journey is not over. While my organs show no signs of abnormalities, there is still something going on in my body that we do not know the root cause of. All of this is true.

What is also true is that while I am not completely in the clear, today – today was a good day. A confusing and scary day, but a day where I am left with hope that I will be okay. A day when all the people I love answered the phone for me and lifted me up as high as they possibly could. And to all my friends – thank you for hugging me and crying with me in person.

Thank you to everyone who has opened up their heart for me and listened. While I strongly believe in being a private person, this journey deserves to be shared in hopes that we can all learn from each others dark and scary moments.

I crossed paths with Cancer today. It felt scary. It felt lonely. And at some point, love lifted me up and helped carry me.

Love Deeply and Forever,