My Broken Relationship with Food During COVIDfeatured

My relationship with food has always been fickle. I love it, I hate it, I love it again. I ignore it, I obsess over it, I dread it. When Covid started, I wasn’t thinking much about food but I knew my habits had fallen at the wayside.

Once we went into full lockdown mode, I began my cycle of binging on way too many cookies and ice cream at night. It was all fine and dandy until it wasn’t.

I mean, I am loved no matter what my size…but one day, I tried to look in the mirror and I just couldn’t. I had hit my weight rock bottom during Covid. It was no surprise, I knew how I got here. The cookies, the overindulgence as I tried to adjust to quarantine life. But the scale showed a number I had never seen before. I adjusted the cookie intake here and there but nothing changed. I literally thought I was broken.

My happiness is not based on my weight but my physical health is definitely tied to my mental health. As a Hispanic woman, I am aware of the fact that I was built with curves but I have also learned not to let the curves consume me.

But the curves were curvier than ever and my mind was more clouded than ever.

Had Covid broken my mind and body? Did I do it all on my own? Who cares. All I knew is that something needed to change.

I scrolled through social media for some inspo. All these people were baking bread and learning how to garden. All not for me. Bread=fat and I have no yard. Cool. Now what? I began my yoga teacher training journey. Okay, I love myself a bit more but my food intake has not changed nor have any of my midnight cookie habits. UGH.

I had lost weight so many times before. I know how to do it but I just didn’t want to do it the ways I had before. Keto was great but my cholesterol went up. Counting calories was a fun math equation until I ate a whole box of See’s candies.

What is even left? Should I just go back to eating chicken that tastes like paper and spinach? EHH, back to the cookies I go.

I started making these little rationalizations in my head:

No one can see my full body on Zoom.

At least my partner still loves me.

We will be in lockdown for another year, I have time.

Big is beautiful.

But cookies are so good, and quarantine life is so bad.

There’s no denying that big can indeed be beautiful. But this new version of me was too big for me to handle. My fat jeans fit again. I mean, kind of. Scratch that, let’s buy more yoga pants!

So what ever is the point of this story? Am I just a crazy woman obsessed with my weight?

Well, yes, you could say that. I have always struggled with it, my relationship with it is always constantly changing but Covid added this whole new layer of excuses/reasons to put my mind and body last on my endless search for instant gratification (ahem, cookies, and ice cream). Food felt like the only certain thing in my life.

Finally, I saw someone post their before/after photos on social media. If she can do it, why can’t I? I thought. I thought the post was going to try and sell me some supplements or programs. It didn’t. It was all about how a personal trainer helped this person reach their goals.

Hmm, could it be that I just needed some help from someone other than myself?

I sent the trainer an SOS. She told me to come in tomorrow for a “consultation.” Great, what was she going to try and sell me?

I walked in heavier than ever before with the mind of a complete loser. I felt beyond defeated. I ate to the point of no return because my mental health had been severely suffering.

She didn’t sell me a thing. She told me she would make me work and asked me if I was ready to do so. Of course, I was. That’s when I realized I couldn’t tackle my body issues alone. Not this time.

Less than a week into my new personal training program I realized my trainer was going to train more than just my physical body, she was going to help me re-train my mind, and ultimately help me mend my broken soul.

Where am I now?

30 pounds down and stronger and more beautiful than ever. What magic voodoo spell did she cast on me?

Well, let’s just say, she pays attention to every single word that I say and adjusts my training program accordingly. She knows the weakest parts of my body and works with me to strengthen them. She also knows the strongest parts of my mind, and she uses those to our advantage.

Did I mention we make sure all the food I eat is delicious? The moment she hears me say something I ate was boring, she sits down with me to strategize how I can learn to love every single bit of fuel that goes into my body.

My taste buds are always changing and she has taught me the exact reason why and what to eat more of to avoid the vicious cycle I found myself in the first day I walked in. Craving carbs? There’s a reason for that? Craving some avocado? Well, there’s a reason for that too.

Oh, and yea, you can have a cheat meal but NOT a whole cheat weekend. Or a whole cheat season in my case.

I am a sort of recovering addict. I will always be healing my relationship with food and my mental health. This time I needed someone to support me on every level and that has made all the difference.

Will I fall off the wagon again? Maybe. Will I beat myself up when I am down? Probably. But will I ever stop trying? Absolutely not.

Love Deeply and Forever,

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