The Vicious Cycle of Me Was Alive and Well During 2020featured

Many of our circumstances have changed. Our dress codes, our rituals, our forms of communication. Everything we once knew has been broken, repaired with some cheap tape… only to be broken again.

I have found out much about myself along the way. I am pretty talented at adapting under pressure. It’s a learned skill that doesn’t hurt any less or get any easier because you happen to know how to do it.

I lost a job, I gained a job. I gained the weight and lost the weight. I have found myself in some really dark places this year. Saw my neighbor with a bullet in his forehead on my 1st wedding anniversary and saw my kitten drop dead on the living room floor on a Saturday morning shortly after cuddling with me. Both extremely scarring to say the least.

The world keeps changing but I remain the same. I go in and out of cycles I knew and say hello to them when they show up again. Oh, hey broken girl in an abusive relationship, there you are. Alive and well with all of your insecurities. Oh hey, strong warrior of a woman who beat all the odds, there you are. Alive and well with all your grit and determination.

There’s something to be said about the human condition. We will always go in and out of loving and hating ourselves. I will always have some level of anxiety and self-image issues.

While some of our behavioral cycles and defense mechanism patterns can lie dormant, they are still part of the woven fabric that makes us, well, us.

I’d like to say I have always held my head up high, that I’ve never let anyone make me feel less than. But I would be lying. And somewhere during my 20s, I made a vow to myself to be genuine at all costs. This may make some people uncomfortable, this may make some people think I’m too loud or that I say too much. This may make some people think I have ulterior motives.

But I don’t.

I do what I say and I say what I mean as often as possible. That is how I deal with my demons, how I go about battling my vicious cycles. The ones that once kept me quiet, scared, lonely, and weak. The ones that kept me paralyzed for so many years.

2020 let me see that who I have always been is alive and well. She never went anywhere. She’s learning and failing and enjoying every moment that she gets to fall on her butt.

She can wear different clothes, lose all the weight, wear a mask, have a different profession, but she will always be that girl who refuses to give up and is not afraid to laugh at herself. She will always be the girl who loves to lift others up so that they can see the beauty that lives within themselves.

I recently bought a sparkly headband. It’s absolutely ridiculous. But when I wear it I’m reminded that I deserve it all and so much more. And while it may blind some, it’s really there to serve a deeper purpose.

I won’t apologize for wearing it. In fact, I’m looking into buying earrings to match (soooo cliché, right?). Because at the end of the day, no matter how often I forget that I am worth it, I always get back up, adjust my sparkly headband, and keep going.

Because if I don’t believe I am worthy, who else will?

It’s not about always being perfect or about appearing to have “it together,” it’s about giving yourself grace to fail time and time again. It’s about looking your vicious cycles in the face and having the strength to know better.

Sometimes we will fall victim to our old thoughts and behaviors and that’s okay. No need to kick yourself while you’re down. Be okay with where you stand today. You can be better when you are ready.

So go wear your sparkly headband. Put on your favorite shirt. Play that game you used to play as a kid. Do all the things that bring you joy. Do it all within your living room walls.

You are worth it all.

Love Deeply and Forever,

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