The Words That Stopped Me in My Tracksfeatured

I have been going through monumental changes. From job changes, to living arrangements, to marriage, to being on the brink of 30….I have been forging forward like the little soldier that I am. I wake up, put on my toughest face, power through, eat, sleep, repeat.

I am usually really in tune with my mind, body, and soul but recently I have felt completely disconnected from it all, seeking refuge in superficial moments and practices.

Nordstrom’s trip anyone?  

I’ve been thinking I have been fooling everyone until the other day at the gym.

My trainer looked me straight in the eye as I was lifting and said, “Karen, you need to get out of your head.”

His words echoed through me stronger than he might have meant them to. But he was right. I haven’t been fooling anyone.  Even he could see through this shell I have been wearing for a few months now.

In this moment of transition, the only thing I have been doing with care is attempting to hold onto the younger more vibrant version of myself, the girl who fought for everything every day, the warrior people wanted to stand behind time and time again.

Now that I am creating the life I have always dreamed up I just can’t seem to get out of my head.

I don’t know if it’s the pressure of it all. I don’t know if it’s just the fact that others really depend on me now. But the fire in my eye has dimmed. I recognize I am evolving but a part of me is fighting back, a part of me so much wants to self-sabotage everything I have built.

I feel undeserving and extremely underprepared.

I want to look backward instead of forwards. Scratch that, the present moment is completely lost for now.

I am so in my head that I am paralyzed in my tracks, on the fast-track to absolutely nowhere. I don’t know how to move past this in this very moment but I am trying and that’s completely okay.

Maybe I need a new hobby or a new friend.

Who knows?

What I do know is that I must get through this and be intentional in all that I say or do rather than simply getting through the day while trying get out of my head.

People around me can feel that I am absent and that is not what they deserve. All those around me deserve the best version of myself, the one that is so happy it hurts, the one that seizes every moment like it’s the first time that it’s ever has happened.

While I feel so out of control in this very moment, fiercely retreating to the depths of my anxious mind, I need to step back and take a look at what I have already manifested in this beautiful life.

Gratitude journal, where are you?

I need to stop thinking so hard and just remember to feel deeply and unapologetically. It’s okay to. Especially when everyone is watching.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen