What Being Mid 30s Feels Likefeatured

Didn’t younger you think you were going to have everything you ever wanted by the time you were 30? Younger me for sure did. I thought I was going to have the perfect house, the perfect 2.5 kids, the perfect husband, the perfect car, the perfect job, and that having all that meant I would have the perfect life.

I’m entering the mid 30s land and realize I don’t have any of the above things that I once thought were synonyms for success.

The house has been attacked by broken sprinklers and rain leaks, the kids are nonexistent, the car costs lots of money to fix, the husband is a human, the job is not as easy as little me imagined.

…oh, and where the hell is the white picket fence?

Nothing I have or own is perfect. I have trauma from my past relationships that I carry with me as I move through this life. I have scars on my legs and my arms from moments I don’t remember or maybe choose not to remember. I have a complicated relationship with food and my weight. I sometimes have an irrational fear of spending too much money. The words “shame,”“goodness,” “perfection” sometimes riddle my insides.

While I am aware of all my imperfections, I am also aware that younger me had no idea what success would look or feel like so she clung onto the idea of perfect little things on a little list she made up in her imagination. She thought perfection was the end goal. She thought encountering no challenges meant she had “made it.” She thought having kids was mandatory and necessary on the path to fulfillment.

My mid 30s involves rewriting all the little perfection-themed stories I used to tell myself; All the little lies society engrained in my psyche.

By now, I can honestly confess I have tried every single diet that has ever existed. Only to realize that all I ever needed to do was start cooking stuff I actually like to eat.

Crazy, huh? Learning things the hard way has always been my specialty. My mid 30s is a time of relishing in the outcomes of all the hard lessons learned.

Mid 30s means knowing success is not a list of perfect things. It means learning it’s never been about literally answering the “what’s the meaning of life?” question but rather about acknowledging the ways we choose to answer the question every single day.

It’s about giving life meaning through soulful action. It’s about letting the ink on the paper smudge and being ok with answering questions with “I just don’t know.”

I’ve been born many times. Each time I am born with a little more wisdom, but still with some humbling naivety. One thing I know for certain in my mid 30s is that “success” to me means living a life with meaning and purpose. My soul can only make that happen by allowing my heart and mind to stay curious – not shunning ideas outside of those that currently live within me.

Being mid 30s means I stumble everyday. Some days I live with more intention than others. Some days I just need to make it out alive. Some days I find more glimmers of joy than others. Some days my hot coffee falls all over my white shirt on the way to work and all hope for a good day is lost. Some days I have all the kind words. Other days the filter is completely broken.

So no, at 30-something I don’t have the kids or the white fence or all the answers. But I am aware of the divine light that lives within each human I encounter. I know that I can get caught in the crossfires of other people’s pain and I have learned that it has nothing to do with my existence.

I will not apologize for being too much or being high maintenance. I will apologize when my words are not kind and my actions are ambiguous.

I don’t think I’m ugly or broken or less than anymore and I am happy to report I will continue to move through life this way.

Love Deeply and Forever,