What I Will Do to Avoid a Divorcefeatured

Most people I talk to have divorced parents. They didn’t get it right the first time, so the second or third time proved to be the better decision. I have never really thought of it as a failure but rather lessons learned after the fact.

I got married thinking it would be everything I ever dreamed of. The moment I got married would be the moment all fears dissipated, or so I thought. No more needing to worry about fidelity or commitment, the vows would say it all.

Day one of marriage I found myself more lost than ever before. Would I ever learn to be a good wife? To be a girlfriend was one thing, but to be a lifetime partner was something entirely different.

When we date people we tend to show them the best versions of ourselves. We filter out the bad and only leave the good in fear of being not chosen forever. When you get married you think “this is it.” I can be myself. I can breathe. I can rest assured that the person sleeping next to me made vows to stay with me forever.

But that’s just not how it works. You and your partner will go through endless tests and the only way to stay on top is to fight to keep eachother day after day.

So how do you stay together forever?

You vow to forever adapt and reinvent yourself.

I used to think that I could never change. That if someone didn’t like it, they could leave, but I was so wrong. That is not what marriage is about.

It is about being what the other person needs exactly when they need it. It is about working out any misunderstandings and correcting behaviors that might be detrimental to both parties.

Of course, I will always be who I am at my core, but I will always bend to meet the needs of my partner as well. When he needs a rock, I will be that. When he needs to take care of something, I will need that.

My life is no longer all about me, it is about considering another human who has feelings, needs, wishes, and dreams apart from my own. And while I used to be able to be selfish, marriage is about giving, serving, and growing. It is about sometimes doing what you thought you would never do in the name of love and peace.

Sacrifice was something that I never understood before marriage. And after being in an abusive relationship, I thought I could never learn. But sacrifice is not about feeling any physical pain.

Sacrifice is about doing what is not always first nature. It is about retraining your heart and brain to put others first. It is about giving up the little things so you can enjoy the big things together.

Of course, there are some days when I come home and am completely exhausted and don’t want to think about anyone but myself. But those are the days my spouse might need me the most.

Marriage is about paying close attention during those moments and giving all that you can give even when you think there is nothing left to give.

Adapting in marriage is necessary as long as you both shall live. What you once loved about the other might change as the years pass. And that’s okay. What you need in each other will forever be shifting.

Lasting marriages consist of two people who are able to support each other and evolve so that their partner can continuously thrive by being the very best version of themself.  A healthy marriage cannot survive on stubborn old belief systems. It cannot survive if one person refuses to be better day after day.

I don’t know all the reasons people do divorce eachother but I do often hear that they fell out of love with eachother.

The only way I can see this happeneing is if someone, or both people, forgot to pay attention, forgot to put the other person’s needs first, or simply stopped rooting for the team they vowed to stay forever faithful to.

I vow to avoid divorce by always staying present and doing my best to adapt to my partner’s needs. And if I see that I am falling short, I vow to ask the tough questions so that I can be what they need exactly when they need it. I won’t always be perfect, but I will definitely always try to be the best person I can possibly be for the person standing right next to me.

Love Deeply and Forever,

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