What if There are No Signs of Suicide?featured

1) Increase in use of drugs or alcohol

2) Feelings of despair

3) Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

These are all “signs” that someone might be thinking about suicide. I really hate to be sarcastic right now, but if that were the case, I probably would have been gone by the age of 21. There are lists all over the internet of signs to look for in those around us in order to prevent the next suicide. I have read them. I have studied them. I have even taken notes.

While I do believe these are all behaviors nodding at suicide, there is so much more to it. I believe with all my heart that those that commit suicide are the quietest ones. The “happy” ones. The “jokesters.” The “lovers of life.”

They don’t always necessarily say they are sad, depressed, or ready to end it all. It’s hard to differentiate because a lot of people share such thoughts when simply looking for attention. Not all, but some definitely do.

I have definitely said the words “I wanna die” dozens of times. I have definitely had too much alcohol in my system. And I have definitely slept all day. I call it one thing: College.

Kate Spade inspired this post. Robin Williams inspired this post. Most importantly, my close friend, Patrick McGuire, inspired this post. He was a love. A guy you always wanted to be around.

He always wore a smile on his face and he was the kindest human I met while in college. He was a semester away from his Master’s degree. He had a job lined up. He was going to save the environment with the EPA by his side. To read more about Patrick, read my article about him here. 

Patrick was a friend that I can honestly say I loved while in college. During dark times, he always made sure to lift me up. He gave me hope that maybe one day I could get my Master’s too, and I did.

I did it for him. I did it because he saw potential in me. I did it because he was a light in my life that tried to take away my darkness with his kind words, his big smile, and his amazing attitude toward life. He was extremely put together. He appeared that way for as long as we were friends. A true role model.

There was a “moment” though. A moment when his eyes were empty. I was so busy caught up in my own drama that I overlooked it. He was alone. Standing right before my eyes but I couldn’t even see him. I mean, who was Patrick, really?

I could sit here and ponder and cry and blame myself all day. I could tell myself that he was not right all along. But none of this is true. Patrick was the man I met, the friend I loved so dearly. He was an inspiration to me then and he still is to this day.

What am I even saying? I am saying those that we lose to suicide don’t always talk. I am saying let’s not just say, “Wow, they were selfish.” No matter what anyone ever says, the only person that will ever truly know how they felt is them.

When we lost Patrick, my life fell apart. My dreams died. “If he killed himself, then what the hell am I doing here?” I thought.

Patrick didn’t exhibit any of the signs on the list. And even if he did, I doubt he would ever say them out loud. At least not to me. Could I have saved him? Who knows.

One thing I do know: We can prevent some of these suicides.

Suicide is an epidemic. It is the 10th leading cause of death. We lose around 45,000 Americans to this every year.

We need to just stop and talk. We need to ask our coworker how they are feeling today. We need to talk to that acquaintance we usually ignore when we walk by. We need to connect with even those who we can’t stand. And especially with those we don’t even know.

We need to speak up and have kind conversations with everyone that we possibly can. We can spark a chain reaction where a person contemplating suicide decides not to because they finally feel understood, because they finally feel they have people they can relate to, because they finally feel like they are not alone.

I know I often walk around thinking I make no impact. Sometimes I feel that my words won’t touch anyone. But I am wrong. I am so wrong in those moments that it hurts.

I am part of the problem. I close myself off when it’s convenient. And I shouldn’t. The days I am feeling down are the days that I should try to lift those up around me even more. Why? Because regardless of how I feel for a moment, I have genuine love in my heart. I have the responsibility of sharing it with the world. We all do.

Sometimes signs never show up. We can save lives together by simply reaching out. Those contemplating suicide will not always openly say it. I know Patrick never did. At least not to me. Sometimes it takes someone else initiating a conversation for them to feel connected. To feel like they matter.

Patrick,

I am sorry I didn’t do more. I just thought you had it all figured out. That was the problem. I didn’t ask more questions. I didn’t dig deeper. I tried at times, but never enough. I am not saying I could have saved you, but I am saying I miss you dearly. I am saying that I feel a little broken without you. I feel responsible on some level but these thoughts will never serve me. You continuously inspire me, Patrick McGuire. Thank you for being my angel. I feel honored. I hope you are reading this and seeing what I am doing to constantly prove to you that I can accomplish anything, just like you said that I could.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

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