Why I Learned to Love Myselffeatured

I grew up in a home that was full of love. I was a child my parents long awaited for and that was made very obvious. All holidays revolved around me and most things I ever wanted were often gifted to me. Okay, so maybe I never got that pony, but I got so much more than that. I got love and support through and through.

As I grew up, none of these blessings seemed as obvious to me. I mean, some kids cry and complain because their parents were never around. I cried and complained because mine were too often around…it seemed like they were literally around every corner.

I fought to be Miss Independent. I mean, I lived in their house but I was an old soul. I could run myself and guide myself, I thought. Of course I was terribly wrong but that is a whole other story.

Somewhere down the line I went through puberty and all the awkwardness that comes with it. I was not as “pretty” as all the other girls. It always felt like I was too tall and too ethnic. Some can say this was all in my head but kids are harsh and kids were often harsh toward me. While all that love lived at home, I failed to love myself early on in life.

It’s strange how that works. So much love around me but it was never enough to make me love myself. Who knows why but that self-loathing stayed with me for years on end. It seemed to magnify when I started adding alcohol into the mix in college.

A lot of my negative sentiment came from my never petite body. Somehow what I saw in the mirror transferred to what I felt inside. Superficial, I know, but this is often the case with young women.

My hate for myself turned into a bubble that would one day grow big enough that it would have to burst. And it did. There was a moment in time when I allowed people into my life that would tell me I was ugly, fat, and worth absolutely nothing. It was soon after that my bubble of self-hate burst and I was forced to look into the mirror once again.

After enduring all of that pain that resided within my own skin, I took a step back and realized that if I ever wanted to live past 21, I would have to learn to love the woman I saw in that mirror. I had to learn to do this to survive. If I didn’t, I would then continue tumbling down the vicious cycle I had created for myself.

My journey to self-love began by weight loss. It wasn’t in the healthiest of ways, but when I saw the impact some right choices could have on my physical self, I soon saw the potential for changing my emotional self. If something as simple as food choice could transform my body, then a change of mindset could change the way I felt about myself as a person.

This journey was not easy. I often hated myself even more throughout it. There were some days where those negative voices still lived inside myself telling me I wasn’t good enough. I fought these demons until they became so small their voices were faint and lived somewhere in the distance.

I am a writer, so of course, these words are written as if this journey was not too troubling. It was. It was painful beyond belief. I often found myself more lost than I had felt before. But I didn’t realize then that this was just a symptom of me ridding myself of a disease that I often tried to ignore and numb throughout my entire life in many different ways.

Once the weight came off, I started teaching myself that my negative past did not define me. I started talking to myself in the most loving of ways when before I refused to even acknowledge my existence. While I had thought I had been living the life, I was actually attempting to end my life time and time again by allowing poison into my life both physically and emotionally.

I had to learn to love myself out of necessity. I wanted to live a long and beautiful life and hating myself would only hurt myself as well as those around me. I had no other choice. I chose life time and time again.

I am here today to let you know that if you currently do not love yourself, there is hope that you one day will. The potential is there you just have to make the choice and follow through with it every single day. Had I not made this choice I might not be here today. I now love myself and all that is alive. And for all of this, I am truly grateful.

Choose Life. Choose Love. Choose You.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

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