Why You Should Never Ask People “When Are You Having Kids?”featured

I sit at a baby shower excited for my friend with her new lil baby bub on the way. She glows and so do all those around her. Future grandma #1 and grandma #2 are beaming from ear to ear. To watch their babies have their own babies must be something magical- a life-in-full-circle type of moment.

I sit with my friend’s daughter and casually talk about all things kids her age talk about. Her nail painting techniques, the sparkly princess outfit she currently has on, and how she’s going to convince her grandma to buy her her first phone.

Children are wonderful, I can honestly say I love every single one.

I wait for it. When will someone ask me the question, “When are you two having kids?” Or the subsequent comment: “You know, you should probably start thinking about it. You are at that age”

Neither comes up and I am glad. Someone finally comes up to me and poses an entirely different question.

“Are you and your husband choosing to have children?”

Ah. How refreshing. It wasn’t a question of “when” but more of “if.”

As a newlywed, it is a common question. I get it, many people have kids and some get married just so they can start a family. I have many friends who were born to be mothers and they are currently having their much-anticipated bundles of joy. I absolutely love that they are finding fulfillment in building families.

But having kids is a very personal decision between two people. I don’t know if we will ever have kids. I am just not ready and neither is my husband. We are currently loving every second of marriage and love to just get up and go, and date, and makeout.

It is really rude for people to assume that kids are in the cards for us. I mean, I don’t even know if I physically can have kids if we ever do decide that we want them at all.

And what happens if I can’t now? The fact is 1 in 6 couples, who desperately want to have kids, struggle with infertility.

How would you react if I answered your question with tears in my eyes and I went on to explain the many reasons why my doctor said I can’t ever bear children?

Would you feel my frustration then? I am sure you would think twice about asking anyone the same question again.

I certainly didn’t get married to have kids but they do sometimes cross my mind. I wonder if I would be a good mother. The thoughts are fleeting as I have an obsession with a full night’s sleep. And if that is my biggest concern right now than I know I am definitely not ready to have kids.

So, please, think twice before you ask people this personal question. It is not something that can be disguised as small talk. It is not something I want to discuss with anyone but my spouse. It is not my life’s purpose. And it certainly is one of life’s biggest decisions.

I will say my life is currently filled with love. Our family consists of two loving humans and two crazy kitties.  Our house is full and sometimes chaotic. We love to enjoy each other and currently have no plans on expanding our household. But I will let you know when or if we do ever change our minds… The baby shower invitation will surely be hand-delivered to a mailbox near you.

Love Deeply and Forever,